[Quran 4:34] “Men are responsible for the welfare of women since God has given some (of you) more wherewithal than others, and because they must spend of their wealth (to maintain the family). Therefore pious and devout women safeguard the private matters that God would have them safeguard. As for those (women) from whom you fear aggressive defiance, caution them (to piety). (If they remain unmoved by your words), then leave them alone in their beds, and finally (if they continue in their aggressive defiance), then separate from them. However, if they accede to you (by abandoning their aggressively defiant behaviour), then you have no (legitimate) grounds to act against them (any further), and God is full of knowledge and
The Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) has commanded:
[Sunan Abudawud, Book #11, Hadith #2138] “Narrated Mu’awiyah ibn Haydah: I said: Apostle of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them? He replied: Approach your tilth when or how you will, give her (your wife) food when you take food, clothe when you clothe yourself, do not revile her face, and do not beat her.”
[Sunan Abudawud, Book #12, Hadith #2220] “Narrated Aisha, Ummul Mu’minin: Habibah daughter of Sahl was the wife of Thabit ibn Qays Shimmas He beat her and broke some of her part. So she came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) after morning, and complained to him against her husband. The Prophet (peace be upon him) called on Thabit ibn Qays and said (to him): Take a part of her property and separate yourself from her. He asked: Is that right, Apostle of Allah? He said: Yes. He said: I have given her two gardens of mine as a dower, and they are already in her possession. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Take them and separate yourself from her.”
Do you hate someone? Do you really hate someone? You haven’t spoken to him for a while? You’ve been blaming him?
You’re not the only one; the Muslim Ummah today is diseased with this to the extent that almost every Muslim knows another Muslim who he hates.
The Ummah is like a building with the Muslims as it’s bricks, brotherhood is the cement. Without forgiveness you cannot have brotherhood.
OK then, he wronged you. He deceived you. He backbited you. He lied to you. But even in these extreme situations the Qur’an and the Hadith teach us that we have to forgive others (especially those who hurt us the most) if we wish to earn the forgiveness of Allah on the day of judgment.
We have all committed many sins, made many mistakes and no doubt we have wronged others, we have deceived others, we have backbited others and no doubt we have lied to others.
So what makes us focus onto brothers’ and sisters’ errors while we remain unconscious of our own. Not to forgive is like to live in arrogance, and ignorance of our own shortcomings.
Forgiveness is linked with piety and God-consciousness, is there anybody who is not without sin? Is there anybody who can be arrogant enough to say that he does not need to forgive?
Do we not know that Allah forgives those who forgive others? Therefore, we should realize the difficulties of others and forgive them. Allah says in the Qur’an:
“Be quick in the forgiveness from your Lord, and pardon (all) men – for Allah loves those who do good.”
[Surah ali Imran; 3:133-134]
And we know that Allah Himself is Ar-Rahmaan (the Most Compassionate) and Ar-Raheem (the Most Merciful) and that His Mercy is infinite, and that no matter the sin (except shirk)
Allah is always willing to answer the person’s call for forgiveness. In fact Allah loves the tear drop that falls from the eye of one who sincerely seeks the forgiveness of his Lord.
And Allah loves us to have hearts that are ready to forgive.
The Prophet (Sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) once asked his companions;
“Do you know what will cause you to have high walled palaces in Paradise (as a symbol of great reward) and will cause you to be raised by God?”
When they replied in the negative, he said,
“To be forgiving and to control yourself in the face of provocation, to give justice to the person who was unfair and unjust to you, to give to someone even though he did not give to you when you were in need and to keep connection with someone who may not have reciprocated your concern.”
Similarly the Prophet (Sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said that:
“the best of people are those who are slow to get angry and quick to forgive. On the other hand the worst of people are those, he said who get angry quickly but are slow to forgive”.
The characteristic that makes a person most likely to forgive is the purity of his or her heart. Apologies must be accepted,
The Prophet (Sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) said that:
“Whoever apologises to his brother and that apology is not accepted, then the person who refuses to accept the apology bears the sin of one who takes the property of another unjustly.”
And the Prophet (Sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) also said that:
“The doors of the Garden are open on Monday and Thursday. Every Muslim slave who does not associate anything with Allah is forgiven except for the man who has enmity between him and his brother.
It is said, ‘Leave those two until they have made a reconciliation. Leave those two until they have made a reconciliation” .
If we look at the example and the character of the Prophet (Sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) we can see that he was always forgiving and never showed enmity to anyone except those who waged war against him.
This is the example of the man whom we claim to follow. Thumamah, as the chief of his tribe had killed many Muslims. On his travels, he was caught by the Muslim soldiers and was taken to the Prophet’s masjid and tied to one of the pillars.
The Messenger of Allah (Sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) commanded his companions to untie him and give him the best food. The Messenger of Allah (Sallallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) was indeed a mercy for the worlds.
We should similarly be merciful with each other. First of all, we ourselves should not do anything to upset our brothers and sisters (because this is in itself a part of mercy) and then we should forgive those who have upset us or made us angry. We will never be a strong ummah if we are not able to forgive.
Some might say that to forgive is a sign of weakness and humiliation, and for them it is better to be strong and preserve their honor. But honor in the eyes of Allah lies in forgiveness.
“But indeed if any shows patience and forgives that would truly be an exercise of courageous will and resolution in the conduct of affairs.”
If we are to be really strong then we have to be strong against Shaytaan and forgive our brothers and sisters, and in this way maybe Allah will decide insha Allah to forgive ourselves for our many mistakes.
- Bear in mind that your daughter-in-law is a human being with aspirations and feelings. She has made a great sacrifice to come and serve your son for the rest of her life. Treat her like your own daughter. Remember when you were a daughter-in-law. As you desired to be treated, treat her. Remove the jealousy which generally comes into the heart that someone new has come and taken over my son whom I brought up with great pain.
- Give gifts to her. This will create love between you’ll.
- Do not demand control of your son’s money. It is for him to use in an appropriate manner.
- Never compare one’s daughter-in-law with another, or with your daughters. Every person is different and has different abilities. Look at the good in everyone.
- Overlook faults and errors. Your daughter-in-law is still naive. In all likelihood, you made the same errors when you were young.
- If she lives with you, do not expect her to do everything in the house. However, if the kitchen is one, then some ‘ulema, have stated that it will be better if the mother-in-law hands it over completely to her daughter-in-law, if she is happy to accept this responsibility. If not, then rather have turns in the kitchen, because generally problems start in the kitchen. Everyone’s ways and methods are different.
- Think before you speak. What you say to your daughter, you cannot say to your daughter-in-law, since your daughter has natural love for you whereas your daughter-inlaw’s love for you will have to be slowly cultivated. Even if she errs, be careful as to how you correct her. Sometimes, even a wrong word, however innocent it may be, can cause problems. It is a delicate situation.
- Never discuss your one daughter-in-law with the other or discuss them with even your own sisters, daughters or best friends. If a secret cannot stay in your mouth, how do you expect it to remain in someone else’s? Discussing with others is just looking for problems. If you have a problem, speak directly to the one concerned.
- Learn from your mistakes. If you have once said something that created a problem, make sure you never repeat it.
- Be simple. No one is perfect. Do not be unnecessarily fussy about things that are not really a life-or-death situation.
- Be generous in praising their cooking, baking, etc. even though it is not up-to your standards.
- Never drag your daughter-in-law into any disagreement between yourself and your son. If you are upset with your son for any reason, there is no need to pass the message via your daughter-in-law or get upset with her. Speak directly to your son.
By Moulana Abdul Hameed Ishaq, Azaadville
Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) instructed us to show our love to our children: He is not one of us who does not have mercy for children and respect for our seniors.
It is reported that Al-Aqra’ ibn Habis saw Allah’s Messenger kissing his grandchild and said to the Prophet, “I have ten children, but I have never kissed any one of them.” The Prophet said, “He who does not show mercy (toward his children), no mercy would be shown to him.”
a Bedouin asked the Prophet, “Do you kiss your sons?” The Prophet replied, “Yes.” The Bedouin said, “We do not.” The Prophet said to him, “What can I do for you if Allah has removed mercy from your heart?”
1. Accept your in-laws as your own parents. You have them to thank for the wonderful man who has become your life partner.
2. Don’t compare them to your parents as to show your spouse how inadequate his parents are.
3. If your in-laws give a gift, appreciate it and do not pass unkind remarks.
4. Praise them often in the presence of your husband, family, and friends in that way, even though you have not grown to like them, you will in time.
5. Realize that they are also humans. They have their faults. You would never disown your parents for their flaws, so how can you expect the same from your husband’s parents? Hide their faults. Allah Ta’ala will conceal your faults in the hereafter.
6. Lower your expectations. As much as you might feel that marriage is a huge adjustment to you, having their son married is an adjustment for them too. Their son no longer belongs exclusively to them. You will now have to learn to share.
7. Treat them respectfully. A bad word creates a permanent rift.
8. When your children show them love, be thankful rather than jealous. Would you deprive your own children of the love of their grandparents, confining them only to the love of your own parents because of jealousy? How would you feel if your brother’s wife did the same with your parents?
9. Do all you can to make them feel at home when they come by to visit. When you visit them, assist them as much as possible. They should feel pleased when you come.
10. Treat every instruction of your mother-in-law like an instruction of your own mother. Give her pleasure precedence even though she may ill-treat you. Speak to her with respect and not as you speak to an equal. Never say anything if she scolds you. Never speak harshly to her.
11. Never speak ill of them in the presence of your children. If they have overstepped the boundaries, discuss this in private with your husband.
12. Never drag your husband into an argument between your mother-in-law and yourself. By doing this, you place your husband in a very precarious position. Should you have any issue you need to address with your mother-in-law, do so in a respectful manner. By holding mature adult discussions, an amicable agreement can be reached.
13. Be a giver instead of a demander. Always remember that it is sheer folly to always go around demanding that your rights be fulfilled. Rather, concentrate on fulfilling the rights of others. In doing so, you will find that those around you will automatically begin to fulfill your rights.
14. If your in-laws have no one else to reside with, offer them to reside with you. This is more so when the father-in-law passes away. By being of service to your mother-in-law, you will attain lofty stages in the hereafter, since service grants one Allah Ta’ala Himself. Never be selfish and ask your husband to choose between his mother and you. Remember; as you do, so will you be recompensed. One day, you too will reach old-age and will require assistance.
Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said, “Whichever young person honors an old person due to his age, Allah Ta’ala will create someone who will honor him in old age.”
15. If your in-laws oppress you, firstly turn to Allah Ta’ala and make dua to Him. Speak to your husband in a polite manner, and inform him of your plight. Learn to forgive and forget. Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said: “Allah Ta’ala increases a person in honor who forgives. Whoever humbles himself for Allah Ta’ala, Allah Ta’ala will raise him.”
16. Always encourage your husband to keep good ties with his family members, especially parents and brothers and sisters. Many brothers and sisters become estranged after marriage due to the stories carried by the wives to their husbands. Behave respectfully to all elders like the wives of the husband’s elder brother. If younger, be kind and loving and assist as far as possible in their work.
17. Recompense comes from Allah Ta’ala. Give and give and do not ever expect something in return. Always remember that the best recompense is always from Allah Ta’ala. Allah Ta’ala says: “And what is the reward of good except good?” (Ar-Rahman. 55:601)
By Moulana Abdul Hameed Ishaq
ISLAM has laid great stress on the rights of parents and the duties of children. To be obedient to parents and to show kindness to them has been enjoined in the Holy Qur’an in such a manner that it appears that among human deeds, to obey parents and treat them with respect and kindness is next only to Divine worship.
The Holy Qur’an says: “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be dutiful to your parents.” (17;23)
According to a Hadith (saying of Prophet Muhammad – peace be upon him), the parents of a person constitute his Heaven or Hell. This implies that if a person obeys his parents and attends to their needs and comforts and keeps them happy, he will enter into Paradise. On the other hand, if he is rude and disobedient to them and offends them by ignoring their feelings or by causing them grief in any other way, his place shall be in Hell.
Anyone who seeks to please Allah should earn the good pleasure of his parents. To keep the parents well-pleased is essential since their anger and displeasure will lead to Allah’s anger and displeasure.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) has said: “In the good pleasure of the father lies the good pleasure of the Creator and in his displeasure lies the displeasure of the Creator.”
Here the mother has not been mentioned but, according to many other Ahadith, the rights of the mother with regard to service and kind treatment is even higher than that of the father. Therefore, her pleasure or displeasure will carry an equal significance.
The time that the parents need to be looked after most carefully is in their old age, and to serve them devotedly in that state is most pleasing to Allah and it is an easy way to attain Paradise.
Abu Hurairah relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “May he be disgraced, may he be disgraced, may he be disgraced.” “Who?” the Companions asked. “The person whose parents, or anyone of them, attain old age during his life-time and he does not enter Paradise (by being kind-hearted and dutiful to them)!”
Therefore, anyone who gets an opportunity to serve his parents in their old age and does not avail himself of this reward (to attain Paradise), undoubtedly, he is a most wretched person.
Abu Hurairah narrates that a person asked the Noble Prophet (peace be upon him): “Who has the greatest claim on me with regard to service and kind treatment?” The Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, “Your mother, and again your mother, and once again your mother. After her, is the claim of your father, then that of your near relations, and then of the relations next to them.”
This shows that where care and kind treatment are concerned, the claim of the mother is greater than that of the father.
It appears to be the same in the Holy Qur’an too. In many instances, the pain and the suffering which the mother has to bear during pregnancy, at childbirth, and in the bringing up of the children, has been mentioned along with the importance of showing kindness to parents.
In one Hadith the Prophet (peace be upon him) has clearly stated that a person’s Paradise lies at his mother’s feet. By serving her well and being obedient to her, one can attain Paradise.
In some other Ahadeeth, the Prophet (peace be upon him) explained that serving the mother, maternal aunt and maternal grandmother are among the acts by virtue of whose merit even the repentance of a great sinner and evil-doer is accepted and he is forgiven.
If one’s parents are polytheists and they want one to follow their faith, one should refuse to do so but should continue to be kind and respectful to them.
The Prophet (peace be upon him) is reported to have said: “Obey your parents and treat them with kindness, your children will be kind and obedient to you.”
Asma Bint Abu Bakr relates that her mother had come to Madinah, from Makkah, to meet her. Her mother followed the Pagan customs and beliefs, so Asma enquired of the Prophet (peace be upon him) as to how she was to treat her – whether she should have nothing to do with her, as she was a Pagan, or treat her like a daughter should, and show kindness to her. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) told her to be kind and considerate and to deal with her as was a mother’s due from a daughter.
The rights of parents do not come to an end with their death. In fact, some of their rights take effect even after their death, and it is a religious obligation of the children to fulfill them.
Obeying one’s parents and treating them with respect and affection is great virtue and it expiates one’s sins. Similarly, to pray Allah to have mercy on them after their death is an act which brings comfort to them in their graves and serves to atone for one’s sins.
After the death of one’s parents one’s duties among others should be to pray for their forgiveness and treat their relatives and friends with due respect.
In the Holy Qur’an, Muslims have been urged to pray for the salvation of their parents as shown in the verse “And say, ‘My Lord. Have mercy on both of them, as they cared for me when I was little’.”
The real reward for serving the parents, with great care, is Paradise and the pleasure of Allah. But the Almighty bestows a special favor, in this world too, on the believer who discharges obligations towards one’s parents’ with devotion. Jabir reports that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Allah prolongs the life of a person who obeys his parents and serves them devotedly.”
Just as the Prophet (peace be upon him) declared that serving one’s parents well is an act of great virtue, he condemned showing of disobedience to them, or harming them, as a most serious and detestable sin.
When asked about the major sins, the Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, “To associate anyone with Allah, to disobey parents, to kill unlawfully and to give false evidence.”
The Prophet (peace be upon him) has said, “To abuse one’s parents is also a major sin.” He was asked: “Can anyone abuse his parents?” “Yes,” the Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, “If a person abused someone else’s parents and that person, in retaliation, abused his parents, then it is as though he himself had abused his parents.”
One can conclude from this what an important place respect for parents occupies in the moral and social teachings of Islam, and how careful one should be about it.
In Islam the marriage of a man and a woman is not just a financial and physical arrangement of living together but a sacred contract, a gift of God, to lead a happy, enjoyable life and continue the lineage. The main goal of marriage in Islam is the realization of tranquility and compassions between the spouses. For the attainment of this supreme goal, Islam defines certain duties and rights for the husband and wife.
Piety is the basis of choosing the life partner. Several statements of Holy Qur’an and Sunnah prescribe kindness and equity, compassion and love, sympathy and consideration, patience and goodwill. The Prophet (peace be upon him), says: “The best Muslim is the one who is best to his family.” Also, he says, “… and the most blessed joy in life is a good, righteous wife.” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi)
The role of the husband revolves around the moral principle that it is his solemn duty to Allah to treat his wife with kindness, honor, and patience; to keep her honorably or free her from the marital bond honorably; and to cause her no harm or grief. Allah Almighty says : “…and live with them honorably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing through which Allah brings a good deal of good.” (4:19)
The role of the wife is summarized in the verse that women have rights even as they have duties, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree over them. Allah Almighty says, “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.” (2:228)
This degree is usually interpreted by Muslim scholars in conjunction with another passage which states, among other things, that men are trustees, guardians, and protectors of women because Allah has made some of them excel others and because men expend of their means. Allah Almighty says: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in their husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard. As to those women on whose part you see ill condct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds (and last) and beat them (lightly, if it is useful). But if they obey you, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is ever Most High, Most Great.” (4:34)
Since the Holy Qur’an and the Sunnah have commanded kindness to women, it is the husband’s duty to: consort with his wife in an equitable and kind manner; have responsibility for the full maintenance of wife, a duty which he must discharge cheerfully, without reproach, injury, or condescendence. Allah Almighty says: “Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allah will grant after hardship, ease. (65:7)
Components of maintenance:
Maintenance entails the wife’s incontestable right to lodging, clothing, nourishing, and general care and well-being.
The wife’s residence must be adequate so as to provide her with the reasonable level of privacy, comfort, and independence. The welfare of the wife and the stability of the marriage should be the ultimate goal.
What is true of the residence is true of clothing, food, and general care. The wife has the right to be clothed, fed, and cared for by the husband, in accordance with his means and her style of living. These rights are to be exercised without extravagance or miserliness.
A husband is commanded by the law of God to treat his wife with equity; respect her feelings, and to show her kindness and consideration.
The husband is also commanded not to show his wife any aversion or to subject her to suspense or uncertainty. He should not keep his wife with the intention of inflicting harm on her or hindering her freedom.
Let her demand freedom from the marital bond, if he has no love or sympathy for her.
The main obligation of the wife as a partner in a marital relationship is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage as much as possible. She must be attentive to the comfort and well being of her mate. She may neither offend him nor hurt his feelings. Perhaps nothing can illustrate the point better than the Qur’anic statement which describes the righteous people as those who pray saying: “… Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the Muttaqun (the pious).” (25:74)
This is the basis on which all the wife’s obligations rest and from which they flow. To fulfill this basic obligation, a wife must be faithful, trustworthy, and honest. She must not deceive her mate by deliberately avoiding conception lest it deprives him of legitimate progeny. She must not allow any other person to have access to that which is exclusively the husband’s right, i.e. sexual intimacy. She must not receive anyone in his home whom the husband does not like. She may not accept their gifts without his approval. This is probably meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion, gossip, etc., and also to maintain the integrity of all parties concerned.
The husband’s possessions are her trust. If she has access to any portion thereof, or if she is entrusted with any fund, she must discharge her duty wisely and thriftily. She may not lend or dispose of any of his belongings without his permission.
With respect to intimacy, the wife is to make herself desirable, to be attractive, responsive, and cooperative.
A wife may not deny herself to her husband; due consideration is, of course, given to health and decency.
Moreover, the wife is not permitted to do anything that may render her companionship less desirable or less gratifying. If she neglects herself, the husband has the right to interfere with her freedom to rectify the situation and ensure maximum self-fulfillment for both partners. She is not permitted to do anything on his part that may impede her gratification.