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Advice To Mothers-in-Law

  1. Bear in mind that your daughter-in-law is a human being with aspirations and feelings. She has made a great sacrifice to come and serve your son for the rest of her life. Treat her like your own daughter. Remember when you were a daughter-in-law. As you desired to be treated, treat her. Remove the jealousy which generally comes into the heart that someone new has come and taken over my son whom I brought up with great pain.
  2. Give gifts to her. This will create love between you’ll.
  3. Do not demand control of your son’s money. It is for him to use in an appropriate manner.
  4. Never compare one’s daughter-in-law with another, or with your daughters. Every person is different and has different abilities. Look at the good in everyone.
  5. Overlook faults and errors. Your daughter-in-law is still naive. In all likelihood, you made the same errors when you were young.
  6. If she lives with you, do not expect her to do everything in the house. However, if the kitchen is one, then some ‘ulema, have stated that it will be better if the mother-in-law hands it over completely to her daughter-in-law, if she is happy to accept this responsibility. If not, then rather have turns in the kitchen, because generally problems start in the kitchen. Everyone’s ways and methods are different.
  7. Think before you speak. What you say to your daughter, you cannot say to your daughter-in-law, since your daughter has natural love for you whereas your daughter-inlaw’s love for you will have to be slowly cultivated. Even if she errs, be careful as to how you correct her. Sometimes, even a wrong word, however innocent it may be, can cause problems. It is a delicate situation.
  8. Never discuss your one daughter-in-law with the other or discuss them with even your own sisters, daughters or best friends. If a secret cannot stay in your mouth, how do you expect it to remain in someone else’s? Discussing with others is just looking for problems. If you have a problem, speak directly to the one concerned.
  9. Learn from your mistakes. If you have once said something that created a problem, make sure you never repeat it.
  10. Be simple. No one is perfect. Do not be unnecessarily fussy about things that are not really a life-or-death situation.
  11. Be generous in praising their cooking, baking, etc. even though it is not up-to your standards.
  12. Never drag your daughter-in-law into any disagreement between yourself and your son. If you are upset with your son for any reason, there is no need to pass the message via your daughter-in-law or get upset with her. Speak directly to your son.

By Moulana Abdul Hameed Ishaq, Azaadville

Love For Our Children

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) instructed us to show our love to our children: He is not one of us who does not have mercy for children and respect for our seniors.

(At-Tirmidhi)

It is reported that Al-Aqra’ ibn Habis saw Allah’s Messenger kissing his grandchild and said to the Prophet, “I have ten children, but I have never kissed any one of them.” The Prophet said, “He who does not show mercy (toward his children), no mercy would be shown to him.”

(Al-Bukhari)

a Bedouin asked the Prophet, “Do you kiss your sons?” The Prophet replied, “Yes.” The Bedouin said, “We do not.” The Prophet said to him, “What can I do for you if Allah has removed mercy from your heart?”

(Al-Bukhari)

Advice To Daughter-in-Laws

1. Accept your in-laws as your own parents. You have them to thank for the wonderful man who has become your life partner.

2. Don’t compare them to your parents as to show your spouse how inadequate his parents are.

3. If your in-laws give a gift, appreciate it and do not pass unkind remarks.

4. Praise them often in the presence of your husband, family, and friends in that way, even though you have not grown to like them, you will in time.

5. Realize that they are also humans. They have their faults. You would never disown your parents for their flaws, so how can you expect the same from your husband’s parents? Hide their faults. Allah Ta’ala will conceal your faults in the hereafter.

6. Lower your expectations. As much as you might feel that marriage is a huge adjustment to you, having their son married is an adjustment for them too. Their son no longer belongs exclusively to them. You will now have to learn to share.

7. Treat them respectfully. A bad word creates a permanent rift.

8. When your children show them love, be thankful rather than jealous. Would you deprive your own children of the love of their grandparents, confining them only to the love of your own parents because of jealousy? How would you feel if your brother’s wife did the same with your parents?

9. Do all you can to make them feel at home when they come by to visit. When you visit them, assist them as much as possible. They should feel pleased when you come.

10. Treat every instruction of your mother-in-law like an instruction of your own mother. Give her pleasure precedence even though she may ill-treat you. Speak to her with respect and not as you speak to an equal. Never say anything if she scolds you. Never speak harshly to her.

11. Never speak ill of them in the presence of your children. If they have overstepped the boundaries, discuss this in private with your husband.

12. Never drag your husband into an argument between your mother-in-law and yourself. By doing this, you place your husband in a very precarious position. Should you have any issue you need to address with your mother-in-law, do so in a respectful manner. By holding mature adult discussions, an amicable agreement can be reached.

13. Be a giver instead of a demander. Always remember that it is sheer folly to always go around demanding that your rights be fulfilled. Rather, concentrate on fulfilling the rights of others. In doing so, you will find that those around you will automatically begin to fulfill your rights.

14. If your in-laws have no one else to reside with, offer them to reside with you. This is more so when the father-in-law passes away. By being of service to your mother-in-law, you will attain lofty stages in the hereafter, since service grants one Allah Ta’ala Himself. Never be selfish and ask your husband to choose between his mother and you. Remember; as you do, so will you be recompensed. One day, you too will reach old-age and will require assistance.
Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said, “Whichever young person honors an old person due to his age, Allah Ta’ala will create someone who will honor him in old age.”

15. If your in-laws oppress you, firstly turn to Allah Ta’ala and make dua to Him. Speak to your husband in a polite manner, and inform him of your plight. Learn to forgive and forget. Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said: “Allah Ta’ala increases a person in honor who forgives. Whoever humbles himself for Allah Ta’ala, Allah Ta’ala will raise him.”

16. Always encourage your husband to keep good ties with his family members, especially parents and brothers and sisters. Many brothers and sisters become estranged after marriage due to the stories carried by the wives to their husbands. Behave respectfully to all elders like the wives of the husband’s elder brother. If younger, be kind and loving and assist as far as possible in their work.

17. Recompense comes from Allah Ta’ala. Give and give and do not ever expect something in return. Always remember that the best recompense is always from Allah Ta’ala. Allah Ta’ala says: “And what is the reward of good except good?” (Ar-Rahman. 55:601)

By Moulana Abdul Hameed Ishaq

Children’s Duties Toward Parents

ISLAM has laid great stress on the rights of parents and the duties of children. To be obedient to parents and to show kindness to them has been enjoined in the Holy Qur’an in such a manner that it appears that among human deeds, to obey parents and treat them with respect and kindness is next only to Divine worship.

The Holy Qur’an says: “And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him, and that you be dutiful to your parents.” (17;23)

According to a Hadith (saying of Prophet Muhammad – peace be upon him), the parents of a person constitute his Heaven or Hell. This implies that if a person obeys his parents and attends to their needs and comforts and keeps them happy, he will enter into Paradise. On the other hand, if he is rude and disobedient to them and offends them by ignoring their feelings or by causing them grief in any other way, his place shall be in Hell.

Anyone who seeks to please Allah should earn the good pleasure of his parents. To keep the parents well-pleased is essential since their anger and displeasure will lead to Allah’s anger and displeasure.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) has said: “In the good pleasure of the father lies the good pleasure of the Creator and in his displeasure lies the displeasure of the Creator.”

Here the mother has not been mentioned but, according to many other Ahadith, the rights of the mother with regard to service and kind treatment is even higher than that of the father. Therefore, her pleasure or displeasure will carry an equal significance.

The time that the parents need to be looked after most carefully is in their old age, and to serve them devotedly in that state is most pleasing to Allah and it is an easy way to attain Paradise.

Abu Hurairah relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “May he be disgraced, may he be disgraced, may he be disgraced.” “Who?” the Companions asked. “The person whose parents, or anyone of them, attain old age during his life-time and he does not enter Paradise (by being kind-hearted and dutiful to them)!”

Therefore, anyone who gets an opportunity to serve his parents in their old age and does not avail himself of this reward (to attain Paradise), undoubtedly, he is a most wretched person.

Abu Hurairah narrates that a person asked the Noble Prophet (peace be upon him): “Who has the greatest claim on me with regard to service and kind treatment?” The Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, “Your mother, and again your mother, and once again your mother. After her, is the claim of your father, then that of your near relations, and then of the relations next to them.”

This shows that where care and kind treatment are concerned, the claim of the mother is greater than that of the father.

It appears to be the same in the Holy Qur’an too. In many instances, the pain and the suffering which the mother has to bear during pregnancy, at childbirth, and in the bringing up of the children, has been mentioned along with the importance of showing kindness to parents.

In one Hadith the Prophet (peace be upon him) has clearly stated that a person’s Paradise lies at his mother’s feet. By serving her well and being obedient to her, one can attain Paradise.

In some other Ahadeeth, the Prophet (peace be upon him) explained that serving the mother, maternal aunt and maternal grandmother are among the acts by virtue of whose merit even the repentance of a great sinner and evil-doer is accepted and he is forgiven.

If one’s parents are polytheists and they want one to follow their faith, one should refuse to do so but should continue to be kind and respectful to them.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) is reported to have said: “Obey your parents and treat them with kindness, your children will be kind and obedient to you.”

Asma Bint Abu Bakr relates that her mother had come to Madinah, from Makkah, to meet her. Her mother followed the Pagan customs and beliefs, so Asma enquired of the Prophet (peace be upon him) as to how she was to treat her – whether she should have nothing to do with her, as she was a Pagan, or treat her like a daughter should, and show kindness to her. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) told her to be kind and considerate and to deal with her as was a mother’s due from a daughter.

The rights of parents do not come to an end with their death. In fact, some of their rights take effect even after their death, and it is a religious obligation of the children to fulfill them.

Obeying one’s parents and treating them with respect and affection is great virtue and it expiates one’s sins. Similarly, to pray Allah to have mercy on them after their death is an act which brings comfort to them in their graves and serves to atone for one’s sins.

After the death of one’s parents one’s duties among others should be to pray for their forgiveness and treat their relatives and friends with due respect.

In the Holy Qur’an, Muslims have been urged to pray for the salvation of their parents as shown in the verse “And say, ‘My Lord. Have mercy on both of them, as they cared for me when I was little’.”

The real reward for serving the parents, with great care, is Paradise and the pleasure of Allah. But the Almighty bestows a special favor, in this world too, on the believer who discharges obligations towards one’s parents’ with devotion. Jabir reports that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Allah prolongs the life of a person who obeys his parents and serves them devotedly.”

Just as the Prophet (peace be upon him) declared that serving one’s parents well is an act of great virtue, he condemned showing of disobedience to them, or harming them, as a most serious and detestable sin.

When asked about the major sins, the Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, “To associate anyone with Allah, to disobey parents, to kill unlawfully and to give false evidence.”

The Prophet (peace be upon him) has said, “To abuse one’s parents is also a major sin.” He was asked: “Can anyone abuse his parents?” “Yes,” the Prophet (peace be upon him) replied, “If a person abused someone else’s parents and that person, in retaliation, abused his parents, then it is as though he himself had abused his parents.”

One can conclude from this what an important place respect for parents occupies in the moral and social teachings of Islam, and how careful one should be about it.

Husband And Wife: Mutual Rights And Obligations

In Islam the marriage of a man and a woman is not just a financial and physical arrangement of living together but a sacred contract, a gift of God, to lead a happy, enjoyable life and continue the lineage. The main goal of marriage in Islam is the realization of tranquility and compassions between the spouses. For the attainment of this supreme goal, Islam defines certain duties and rights for the husband and wife.

Piety is the basis of choosing the life partner. Several statements of Holy Qur’an and Sunnah prescribe kindness and equity, compassion and love, sympathy and consideration, patience and goodwill. The Prophet (peace be upon him), says: “The best Muslim is the one who is best to his family.” Also, he says, “… and the most blessed joy in life is a good, righteous wife.” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi)

The role of the husband revolves around the moral principle that it is his solemn duty to Allah to treat his wife with kindness, honor, and patience; to keep her honorably or free her from the marital bond honorably; and to cause her no harm or grief. Allah Almighty says : “…and live with them honorably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing through which Allah brings a good deal of good.” (4:19)

The role of the wife is summarized in the verse that women have rights even as they have duties, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree over them. Allah Almighty says, “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.” (2:228)

This degree is usually interpreted by Muslim scholars in conjunction with another passage which states, among other things, that men are trustees, guardians, and protectors of women because Allah has made some of them excel others and because men expend of their means. Allah Almighty says: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in their husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard. As to those women on whose part you see ill condct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds (and last) and beat them (lightly, if it is useful). But if they obey you, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is ever Most High, Most Great.” (4:34)

Since the Holy Qur’an and the Sunnah have commanded kindness to women, it is the husband’s duty to: consort with his wife in an equitable and kind manner; have responsibility for the full maintenance of wife, a duty which he must discharge cheerfully, without reproach, injury, or condescendence. Allah Almighty says: “Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allah will grant after hardship, ease. (65:7)

Components of maintenance:
Maintenance entails the wife’s incontestable right to lodging, clothing, nourishing, and general care and well-being.

The wife’s residence must be adequate so as to provide her with the reasonable level of privacy, comfort, and independence. The welfare of the wife and the stability of the marriage should be the ultimate goal.

What is true of the residence is true of clothing, food, and general care. The wife has the right to be clothed, fed, and cared for by the husband, in accordance with his means and her style of living. These rights are to be exercised without extravagance or miserliness.

Non-material rights:
A husband is commanded by the law of God to treat his wife with equity; respect her feelings, and to show her kindness and consideration.

The husband is also commanded not to show his wife any aversion or to subject her to suspense or uncertainty. He should not keep his wife with the intention of inflicting harm on her or hindering her freedom.

Let her demand freedom from the marital bond, if he has no love or sympathy for her.

Wife’s obligations:
The main obligation of the wife as a partner in a marital relationship is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage as much as possible. She must be attentive to the comfort and well being of her mate. She may neither offend him nor hurt his feelings. Perhaps nothing can illustrate the point better than the Qur’anic statement which describes the righteous people as those who pray saying: “… Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the Muttaqun (the pious).” (25:74)

This is the basis on which all the wife’s obligations rest and from which they flow. To fulfill this basic obligation, a wife must be faithful, trustworthy, and honest. She must not deceive her mate by deliberately avoiding conception lest it deprives him of legitimate progeny. She must not allow any other person to have access to that which is exclusively the husband’s right, i.e. sexual intimacy. She must not receive anyone in his home whom the husband does not like. She may not accept their gifts without his approval. This is probably meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion, gossip, etc., and also to maintain the integrity of all parties concerned.

The husband’s possessions are her trust. If she has access to any portion thereof, or if she is entrusted with any fund, she must discharge her duty wisely and thriftily. She may not lend or dispose of any of his belongings without his permission.

With respect to intimacy, the wife is to make herself desirable, to be attractive, responsive, and cooperative.

A wife may not deny herself to her husband; due consideration is, of course, given to health and decency.

Moreover, the wife is not permitted to do anything that may render her companionship less desirable or less gratifying. If she neglects herself, the husband has the right to interfere with her freedom to rectify the situation and ensure maximum self-fulfillment for both partners. She is not permitted to do anything on his part that may impede her gratification.

Maltreating Orphans: A Heinous sin

In Islam, a Muslim is encouraged to look after and take care of children who have no parents and to treat them justly. To ill-treat them or to treat them unjustly is one of the worst kinds of oppression that is totally prohibited in Islam.

Mistreatment or abuse of orphans is undoubtedly one of the gravest sins in the Qur’an.

1. Allah orders us to excel in rendering honorable treatment towards orphans; therefore, any failure or complacency on our part in this regard is reckoned as a most heinous offense and sin: Allah says, ( Nay, you do not treat the orphan honorably and generously!) (Al-Fajr 89: 17). In other words, by such an action we stand to incur Allah’s wrath. Elsewhere in the Qur’an, Allah explicitly warns us against inflicting any kind of harm or abuse on an orphan: ( As for the orphan do not oppress him (rather, pay him his due of kindness and loving care).) (Ad-Duha 93: 9).

2. Once someone complained to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) that he often experienced hardness in his heart; the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) told that the remedy was to act kindly and gently towards orphans. He also said, “The best house is the one where orphans are cared for and treated most honorably and kindly.” By the same logic, the worst house is the one where orphans are abused or mistreated. He further warned those who abuse orphans, “O Allah! You be the witness that I consider any violation of the rights of orphan and woman as an enormity entailing serious consequences!” He also gave glad tidings to those who excel in their kindness towards the orphans, “I and the one who cares for the orphans excellently will be as close in Paradise as these two fingers of mine!”

3. When the Prophet saw one of his Companions who was new to Islam treating his servant roughly, the Prophet said, “They are your brothers whom Allah has entrusted you to your care; so be careful how you treat them. Remember, Allah has power over both of you!” What would the Prophet have told your friend who is abusing a helpless orphan! I cannot even imagine what would be his reaction!

4. The foremost sin in the Qur’an and the Sunnah, second only to shirk (associating partners with Allah), is zhulm (oppression, injustice). The Qur’an and the Sunnah are replete with texts that describe zhulm in all forms as the most abominable of all sins, entailing swift punishment from Allah. There is, however, no form of zhulm that can top the abuse of orphans, since they are the most helpless and vulnerable. Allah says, ( And for the unjust there is no helper (who shall save them against the wrath and punishment of Allah).” (Al-Hajj: 71); also, “(O Prophet) warn them of the near day when hearts will leap up to the throats and choke them; when the unjust will have no friend, nor any intercessor who will be listened to.) (Ghafir 40: 18)

5. Finally, your friend may do well by reflecting on the following authentic hadith:

“The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) once asked (his Companions): “Do you know the bankrupt person?” He repeated the question three times; the Companions replied, “The bankrupt person among us is the one who has no money.” The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) then said, “But the bankrupt person of my community is one who appears on the Day of Resurrection with lots of prayers, fasts and charities, but he has abused someone, slandered another, devoured someone’s wealth (unlawfully), shed another’s blood, and has beaten still another; so Allah will take rewards of his good deeds and give them to those who had been victimized by him; if all of his good deeds were exhausted before their dues were paid, their sins will be taken and imposed on him, and consequently, he will be thrown into the fire-pit!” (Reported by Muslim).

Prophet Muhammad – Marriage: The Right Course For Humanity

Islam encourages marriage making it the way to build a solid and well-knit society. It is the only legitimate way to satisfy the sexual desire which Islam accepts as natural and healthy. It does not approve of relations outside marriage. Marriage is the proper way to build a family, which is the basic unit of society. It urges people to choose good marriage partners, seeking God’s help in doing so. When the choice is made and the official steps have been taken, marital life should start with the remembrance of God.

It is recommended that when the bridegroom meets his bride for the first time after the wedding ceremony, he should place his hand on her forehead and say: “In the name of God. May God bless each of us for his and her partner.” The bridegroom should then say: “My Lord, grant me the best in her and the best that you placed in her nature. I appeal to You to protect me against her worst and the worst that you placed in her nature.” She should say the same prayer. No one should wonder at such a prayer at such a time. Every one of us has weaknesses that are better kept unexposed. Anyone who claims to be perfect suffers from great delusion. Even when the married couple are very close, the continuity of their love and happiness requires them to focus on their partners and to pray God to help them maintain their piety.

A unique feature of Islam is that it surrounds man’s natural needs and his satisfaction with remembering and glorifying God. When we eat or drink, we begin by mentioning God’s name. Likewise, when a married couple have sex, they should mention God’s name. The Prophet says: “When any of you is about to have sex with his wife, he should say: ‘Our Lord, protect us from Satan and protect what you grant us from him. Should a child be the result on this occasion, that child will not be harmed by Satan.”

While sex is a pleasurable pursuit, it is right that it must be kept within marriage so as to bring about a family, which requires steady striving. Such are the pleasures of this life: They are always attended by hard struggle. In this case it starts with the woman as she struggles through her pregnancy. She then endures the pains of childbirth and the burden of breast-feeding. The father has then to strive hard in order to provide for his family and bring up his children. Hence, it is important to always seek God’s help to relieve our pain and to facilitate our purpose. The Prophet taught us numerous prayers and supplications to ensure that. Let us quote a few: “My Lord, I seek Your grace. Do not leave me to my own devices for even a twinkle of an eye; and set all my affairs on the right course. There is no deity other than You.”

“My Lord, You are the Ever-Living, the Eternal Master of all. I urgently appeal to You to bestow Your mercy on me”.

“My Lord, there is no deity other than You. All glory be to You. I have been a wrongdoer.”

By making marriage the rule of life and the legitimate way to satisfy the sexual desire, Islam steers a middle way between religions that shun the sexual desire and urge their followers to suppress it, and permissiveness that makes everything acceptable. To suggest that suppression of the sexual desire is a mark of true piety is wrong and has no foundation. Likewise, permissiveness ushers numerous problems. It is only through a mutually caring relationship of marriage that man finds a happy middle way. Hence, this is the way approved by Islam.

-By SHEIKH MUHAMMAD AL-GHAZALI