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Violence Against Spouses Forbidden In Islam

[Quran 4:34] “Men are responsible for the welfare of women since God has given some (of you) more wherewithal than others, and because they must spend of their wealth (to maintain the family). Therefore pious and devout women safeguard the private matters that God would have them safeguard. As for those (women) from whom you fear aggressive defiance, caution them (to piety). (If they remain unmoved by your words), then leave them alone in their beds, and finally (if they continue in their aggressive defiance), then separate from them. However, if they accede to you (by abandoning their aggressively defiant behaviour), then you have no (legitimate) grounds to act against them (any further), and God is full of knowledge and
greatness.”

The Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) has commanded:

[Sunan Abudawud, Book #11, Hadith #2138] “Narrated Mu’awiyah ibn Haydah: I said: Apostle of Allah, how should we approach our wives and how should we leave them? He replied: Approach your tilth when or how you will, give her (your wife) food when you take food, clothe when you clothe yourself, do not revile her face, and do not beat her.”

[Sunan Abudawud, Book #12, Hadith #2220] “Narrated Aisha, Ummul Mu’minin: Habibah daughter of Sahl was the wife of Thabit ibn Qays Shimmas He beat her and broke some of her part. So she came to the Prophet (peace be upon him) after morning, and complained to him against her husband. The Prophet (peace be upon him) called on Thabit ibn Qays and said (to him): Take a part of her property and separate yourself from her. He asked: Is that right, Apostle of Allah? He said: Yes. He said: I have given her two gardens of mine as a dower, and they are already in her possession. The Prophet (peace be upon him) said: Take them and separate yourself from her.”

Advice To Daughter-in-Laws

1. Accept your in-laws as your own parents. You have them to thank for the wonderful man who has become your life partner.

2. Don’t compare them to your parents as to show your spouse how inadequate his parents are.

3. If your in-laws give a gift, appreciate it and do not pass unkind remarks.

4. Praise them often in the presence of your husband, family, and friends in that way, even though you have not grown to like them, you will in time.

5. Realize that they are also humans. They have their faults. You would never disown your parents for their flaws, so how can you expect the same from your husband’s parents? Hide their faults. Allah Ta’ala will conceal your faults in the hereafter.

6. Lower your expectations. As much as you might feel that marriage is a huge adjustment to you, having their son married is an adjustment for them too. Their son no longer belongs exclusively to them. You will now have to learn to share.

7. Treat them respectfully. A bad word creates a permanent rift.

8. When your children show them love, be thankful rather than jealous. Would you deprive your own children of the love of their grandparents, confining them only to the love of your own parents because of jealousy? How would you feel if your brother’s wife did the same with your parents?

9. Do all you can to make them feel at home when they come by to visit. When you visit them, assist them as much as possible. They should feel pleased when you come.

10. Treat every instruction of your mother-in-law like an instruction of your own mother. Give her pleasure precedence even though she may ill-treat you. Speak to her with respect and not as you speak to an equal. Never say anything if she scolds you. Never speak harshly to her.

11. Never speak ill of them in the presence of your children. If they have overstepped the boundaries, discuss this in private with your husband.

12. Never drag your husband into an argument between your mother-in-law and yourself. By doing this, you place your husband in a very precarious position. Should you have any issue you need to address with your mother-in-law, do so in a respectful manner. By holding mature adult discussions, an amicable agreement can be reached.

13. Be a giver instead of a demander. Always remember that it is sheer folly to always go around demanding that your rights be fulfilled. Rather, concentrate on fulfilling the rights of others. In doing so, you will find that those around you will automatically begin to fulfill your rights.

14. If your in-laws have no one else to reside with, offer them to reside with you. This is more so when the father-in-law passes away. By being of service to your mother-in-law, you will attain lofty stages in the hereafter, since service grants one Allah Ta’ala Himself. Never be selfish and ask your husband to choose between his mother and you. Remember; as you do, so will you be recompensed. One day, you too will reach old-age and will require assistance.
Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said, “Whichever young person honors an old person due to his age, Allah Ta’ala will create someone who will honor him in old age.”

15. If your in-laws oppress you, firstly turn to Allah Ta’ala and make dua to Him. Speak to your husband in a polite manner, and inform him of your plight. Learn to forgive and forget. Nabi (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) said: “Allah Ta’ala increases a person in honor who forgives. Whoever humbles himself for Allah Ta’ala, Allah Ta’ala will raise him.”

16. Always encourage your husband to keep good ties with his family members, especially parents and brothers and sisters. Many brothers and sisters become estranged after marriage due to the stories carried by the wives to their husbands. Behave respectfully to all elders like the wives of the husband’s elder brother. If younger, be kind and loving and assist as far as possible in their work.

17. Recompense comes from Allah Ta’ala. Give and give and do not ever expect something in return. Always remember that the best recompense is always from Allah Ta’ala. Allah Ta’ala says: “And what is the reward of good except good?” (Ar-Rahman. 55:601)

By Moulana Abdul Hameed Ishaq

Husband And Wife: Mutual Rights And Obligations

In Islam the marriage of a man and a woman is not just a financial and physical arrangement of living together but a sacred contract, a gift of God, to lead a happy, enjoyable life and continue the lineage. The main goal of marriage in Islam is the realization of tranquility and compassions between the spouses. For the attainment of this supreme goal, Islam defines certain duties and rights for the husband and wife.

Piety is the basis of choosing the life partner. Several statements of Holy Qur’an and Sunnah prescribe kindness and equity, compassion and love, sympathy and consideration, patience and goodwill. The Prophet (peace be upon him), says: “The best Muslim is the one who is best to his family.” Also, he says, “… and the most blessed joy in life is a good, righteous wife.” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi)

The role of the husband revolves around the moral principle that it is his solemn duty to Allah to treat his wife with kindness, honor, and patience; to keep her honorably or free her from the marital bond honorably; and to cause her no harm or grief. Allah Almighty says : “…and live with them honorably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing through which Allah brings a good deal of good.” (4:19)

The role of the wife is summarized in the verse that women have rights even as they have duties, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree over them. Allah Almighty says, “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable, but men have a degree (of responsibility) over them. And Allah is All-Mighty, All-Wise.” (2:228)

This degree is usually interpreted by Muslim scholars in conjunction with another passage which states, among other things, that men are trustees, guardians, and protectors of women because Allah has made some of them excel others and because men expend of their means. Allah Almighty says: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient and guard in their husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard. As to those women on whose part you see ill condct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds (and last) and beat them (lightly, if it is useful). But if they obey you, seek not against them means (of annoyance). Surely, Allah is ever Most High, Most Great.” (4:34)

Since the Holy Qur’an and the Sunnah have commanded kindness to women, it is the husband’s duty to: consort with his wife in an equitable and kind manner; have responsibility for the full maintenance of wife, a duty which he must discharge cheerfully, without reproach, injury, or condescendence. Allah Almighty says: “Let the rich man spend according to his means; and the man whose resources are restricted, let him spend according to what Allah has given him. Allah puts no burden on any person beyond what He has given him. Allah will grant after hardship, ease. (65:7)

Components of maintenance:
Maintenance entails the wife’s incontestable right to lodging, clothing, nourishing, and general care and well-being.

The wife’s residence must be adequate so as to provide her with the reasonable level of privacy, comfort, and independence. The welfare of the wife and the stability of the marriage should be the ultimate goal.

What is true of the residence is true of clothing, food, and general care. The wife has the right to be clothed, fed, and cared for by the husband, in accordance with his means and her style of living. These rights are to be exercised without extravagance or miserliness.

Non-material rights:
A husband is commanded by the law of God to treat his wife with equity; respect her feelings, and to show her kindness and consideration.

The husband is also commanded not to show his wife any aversion or to subject her to suspense or uncertainty. He should not keep his wife with the intention of inflicting harm on her or hindering her freedom.

Let her demand freedom from the marital bond, if he has no love or sympathy for her.

Wife’s obligations:
The main obligation of the wife as a partner in a marital relationship is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage as much as possible. She must be attentive to the comfort and well being of her mate. She may neither offend him nor hurt his feelings. Perhaps nothing can illustrate the point better than the Qur’anic statement which describes the righteous people as those who pray saying: “… Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of the Muttaqun (the pious).” (25:74)

This is the basis on which all the wife’s obligations rest and from which they flow. To fulfill this basic obligation, a wife must be faithful, trustworthy, and honest. She must not deceive her mate by deliberately avoiding conception lest it deprives him of legitimate progeny. She must not allow any other person to have access to that which is exclusively the husband’s right, i.e. sexual intimacy. She must not receive anyone in his home whom the husband does not like. She may not accept their gifts without his approval. This is probably meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion, gossip, etc., and also to maintain the integrity of all parties concerned.

The husband’s possessions are her trust. If she has access to any portion thereof, or if she is entrusted with any fund, she must discharge her duty wisely and thriftily. She may not lend or dispose of any of his belongings without his permission.

With respect to intimacy, the wife is to make herself desirable, to be attractive, responsive, and cooperative.

A wife may not deny herself to her husband; due consideration is, of course, given to health and decency.

Moreover, the wife is not permitted to do anything that may render her companionship less desirable or less gratifying. If she neglects herself, the husband has the right to interfere with her freedom to rectify the situation and ensure maximum self-fulfillment for both partners. She is not permitted to do anything on his part that may impede her gratification.

Family Relationship In Islam

Islam is a complete way of life. It considers the family the cornerstone of Islamic society. It bases the atmosphere in the family on sacrifice, love, loyalty, and obedience. When we say “family” we mean the traditional definition of it, namely husband, wife and children. Grandparents are also part of the extended Muslim family.

It may be asked here: how does Islam organize family relationships? To answer this, we have to concentrate on husband-wife relationship and parent-children relationship.

As for husband wife relationship the following verse portrays the right Islamic atmosphere:

“And among His Signs is this: He created for you spouses from yourselves, that you may find rest in them, and He ordained between you affection and mercy.” (Qur-an, 30-21)

If we contemplate the Noble Qur-an, we find that it refers to parents-child relationships in four main places. Before it asks children to be good and loyal to their parents, it requires parents to be extremely careful in upbringing their children. In other words it asks parents to do their duty before asking for their rights.

These are the two main chapters of the Noble Qur-an that decide and clearly depict the Islamic relationship between parents and children. It is a relationship based, as we see, on belief in Allah, and feeling that He observes all that we do and that we are accountable to Him even in the bad breath that we may release against our parents when we are angry. Even this has to be controlled.

Let us remember, however, that it is only parents who do their duty, who deserve this honorable treatment of their children. That is why when a parent came to the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) and complained to him about the ingratitude of his son, the son said: He was ungrateful to me oh Messenger of Allah, before I showed ingratitude to him. So the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him) did not blame the son but disliked the attitude of his parent. This is a message to all parents.

The third place in the Noble Qur-an that refers to parents child relationship is in chapter 46 called Al Ahqaf where Allah says:

“And We have enjoined on man to be dutiful and kind toward his parents. His mother bears him with hardship and delivers him with hardship. His bearing and weaning are thirty months, till when he attains full strength and reaches forty years, he says: ‘My Lord! Arouse me that I may give thanks for the favor where with you have favored my parents, and I may do right acceptable unto you. I have turned unto you repentant and Lo! I am one of the Muslims.”

Concerning this type of child the Noble Qur-an has the following comment: “Those are they from whom We accept the best of what they do, and We overlook their evil deeds among the dwellers of Paradise – a promise of truth, which they have been promised (in the world).”

The Noble Qur-an then turns to the other category of or children who are disbelievers and are, as a result, ungrateful to their parents. It declares:

“As for him who said to his parents: Fie upon you both! Do you threaten me that I shall be brought forth (again) when generations before me have passed away! While they too cry unto Allah for help and say: Woe unto you! Believe! Verily, the promise of Allah is true. But he says: This is nothing but fables of the ancient.”

Commenting on this attitude Allah says:

“Such are those whom the Word concerning nations of the jinn and mankind which have passed away before them has effect. Verily, they are the losers. And for each there will be degrees due to what they did; that He may recompense them in full for their deeds! And they will not be wronged.” (Qur-an, 46:15-19).

The forth and last place in the Noble Qur-an that refers to parents-child relationship is what is mentioned briefly in chapter 29 that says:

“We have enjoined on man to be good and dutiful to his parents. But should they strive to make you join with Me that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not. Unto Me is your return and I shall tell you what you used to do.” (Qur-an, 29:8)

Your Wife And Kids

Abu Saeed Khudri (radhiyallahu anhu) reported that Rasullullah (The Messenger of Allah) has said that whosoever spends anything on his family members for reward, will enjoy the divine credit of charity. (Bukhari, Muslim)

It is described by Abu Huraira(radhiyallahu anhu) that Mohammed (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) has said that, to spend on one’s wife, has great merit than giving charity to male and female slaves and beggars. (Muslim)

Abdullah bin Masood (radhiyallahu anhu) reported that the greatest preference is to spend on one’s wife and children which is necessary and then it should be spent on close relatives. (Tibrani)

It is narrated in the extract of Arbez bin Saarya(radhiyallahu anhu) that even to give water to one’s wife is charity.
Abu Huraira (radhiyallahu anhu) reported that someone asked Rasullullah(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) that he had one gold coin with him, where should he spend it ? Rasullullah(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said that he should spend it on himself. The man said that he had one more and Mohammed(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said that he should spend it on his wife. The man again said that he had yet another and Rasullullah(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said ,that he should spend on his servants. The man said that he had a fourth and Rasullullah(sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said that he should spend it, on whatever he preferred. (Ibn Habban)

Sa’ad bin Waqqas(radhiyallahu anhu) reported that Mohammed (sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said that whosoever spends his money to gain Allah’s pleasure and goodwill, gets the credit of charity so much that even a morsel which he puts in the mouth of his wife, has the credit of charity. ( Bukhari, Muslim)

Characteristics Of A Pious Wife

A pious woman’s priority is to seek the pleasure of Allah. She tries acquiring the qualities of a good wife by following the examples set by the Prophet (Sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam – may the peace and blessing of Allah be upon him), and obeying what is commanded in the Book of Allah. Complete obedience and adherence to the Sunnah of the Prophet (Sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) and Quran is the best of a woman’s qualities.

Examples:
A woman is married for four reasons: for her wealth, for her fame, for her beauty and for her religion. So marry one for her religion and you will successful. [Bukhari & Muslim]

Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands) and guard in their husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their honor, husbands property, etc) [4:34]

An-Nasaii narrated that the Prophet(Sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) was asked “Who are the best of women?” He replied, “The one who pleases him (her husband) if he looks at her, obeys him if he asks (her) and does not subject her honor or money to what he dislikes.”

Ibn Hibban narrated that the Prophet(Sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said, “If a woman prays her five prayers, fasts in Ramadan, protects her honor and obeys her husband; then she will be told (on the Day of Judgment): enter Paradise from any of its(eight) gates that you wish.”

Reflect on:
If a woman harms (in any way) her husband, then his wife in Paradise tells her: “Do not harm him, May Allah fight you, he is only staying temporarily with you. Soon he will come to us.” [Ahmad & At-Tirmithi]

If a man calls his wife to bed and she refuses till he slept while angry, then the Angels will curse her till the morning. [Muslim]

Allah does not look to the woman who does not appreciate her husband while she cannot stand his departing her. [An-Nasaii].

Any woman who asks her husband for divorce for no reason will not smell the fragrance of Paradise. [Sahih Al-Jamii]

The Prophet (Sallallahu alaiyhi wassallam) said, “If I were to order anyone to bow down to other than Allah, I would order the wife to do so for her husband. By the One who owns the soul of Muhammad, if a wife does not fulfill her obligations towards her husband, then she will not have fulfilled her obligations towards Allah.” [Ahmad]

The Prophet Among His Family Members

Muhammad the last Prophet and Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) is the exemplary character that all Muslims must emulate. His way is the straight path that a Muslim has to follow in order to succeed in this world and in the hereafter.

The Prophet (peace be upon him) despite being the Messenger of Allah, was a human being, and therefore he did and said things which even ordinary people can easily understand and follow. The Prophet (peace be upon him) had exemplary patience, a capacity to bear hardship and ability to forgive the erring people, especially the ones who ever ‘wronged’ him in one way or the other.

He also had the ability to be steadfast and resolute in the face of persecution. He kept his promises, fought bravely when attacked, was generous in giving, content with what he had, honest, clean-hearted, kind and compassionate. He always worshiped Allah in sincerity, behaved with people in a humane manner, loved children and respected the womenfolk. In sum, in him was Uswa Hasana, the exemplary character: The Prophet (peace be upon him) was the finest human being.

Men are judged in many ways. But the best scale to judge the character of a man is to see how good he is to the members of his family, especially to his wife. Because husband and wife know each other in a way that others, even parents cannot. A wife knows even those aspects of man’s personality that he can hide from others. This is the reason that a wife’s testimony about her husband’s character is regarded as the most authentic.

When the Prophet (peace be upon him) received the first revelation in the Cave of Hira, he naturally became a bit apprehensive. In such a state of mind he went to no one but to his wife. And what Khadijah told him enumerating his good qualities is remarkable indeed. Imam Bukhari has narrated this story in the beginning of his magnum opus, Sahih, because it contains Khadijah’s testimony about the character and personality of the Prophet (peace be upon him). And this testimony has come from a woman who was witness to even those aspects of the Prophet’s life that others were not in a position to know.

It would, therefore, be rewarding to know as to how the Prophet (peace be upon him) behaved with his wives? It just so happens that people forget the real message or miss the spirit of the message and take their cultural habits as real things, even give them precedence and superiority over matters which are more essential. This is truer about our attitude towards women than anything else. Over the centuries, we have developed an attitude which deprives women even of the rights that the Holy Qur’an had given them. Women have all the rights to get educated and contribute to the welfare of the Ummah in befitting manners.

But we, the Muslims, have confined them within the four walls of their homes and do not do enough for their proper education. The Prophet (peace be upon him) had made it compulsory for both Muslim men and women to acquire knowledge. The Ummah must introspect and think what it has done so far for educating half of its population.

When we study the life of the Prophet (peace be upon him) we discover to our amazement that he was as much eager to teach women as he was about his male companions. Women were free to approach the Prophet (peace be upon him) and seek guidance from him. He never thought of them as a source of evil as some people think so today, and consequently deprive them of the opportunities that they deserve to have as a matter of right.

Some Muslims are harsh even toward their wives despite clear Islamic injunctions against such a treatment of women. Some think that being lenient to one’s children and wife is tantamount to spoiling them, and hence they never have fun or play with them. It would be advisable here to recount how the Prophet (peace be upon him) lived and behaved with his wives.