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Good Manners: Parent’s Best Gift To Their Children

“NO father had given his child anything better than good manners.” – Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him)

“A cursory glance at the history of civilization will show that religion has been the supreme force in the development of mankind to its present condition. That all that is good and noble in man has been inspired by faith in God is a truth at which perhaps even an atheist would not cavil. One Ibrahim, one Musa, one Isa, and one Muhammad (peace be upon them) has, each in his turn and his degree, changed the whole history of the human race and raised it from the depths of degradation to moral heights undreamed of. It is through the teachings of this or that Prophet that man has been able to conquer his lower nature and to set before himself the noblest ideals of selflessness and the service of humanity,” wrote Mohammad Ali Jauhar in his book “The Religion of Islam.”

Islam sets forth very high standards for general conduct and behavior. These principles were personified in Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) and the Holy Qur’an’s verses testify that in “the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) is the best example to emulate.” In fact, the Holy Qur’an is replete with verses that expound and impress upon Muslims continuous cultivation of good behavior.

Surah Luqman is the 31st Surah of the Qur’an having 34 verses; of these eight verses are directly related to the message Luqman, the wise, passed on to his son. These verses embody within them an entire manifesto of how one can refine his conduct to be recognized as a good Muslim. It encapsulates within itself the lofty moral standards that ‘behaviors’ must reflect in order to be recognized distinctively as those of the Muslim Ummah. Inevitably, the Qur’an is appropriately called and recognized as ‘the Book of Wisdom’. The entire Surah is about wisdom:

“We bestowed (in the past), wisdom on Luqman.” (Qur’an, 31:12)

Allah here refers to Luqman, as the wise and says further in the same verse in affirmation of what he (Luqman) would have done to earn this mention in the Holy Qur’an,

“…show your gratitude to Allah. Any who is (so) grateful does so to the profit of his own soul; but if any is ungrateful, Verily Allah is free of all wants, worthy of all praise.”

Wake-Up Call For Parents

Out of all the hi-fi, over–hyped, glamorized, overpaid and stereotyped careers that make news today, peppered with extensive media attention such as red carpet awards, talk shows, exclusive interviews and photo shoots, the single most important and pivotal occupation a person – especially a woman – can have, is that of being a parent.

It is this behind–the–scenes, get–down–and–dirty, round–the–clock job that very few people can do well, and majority of those who do, receive little credit for that. Parenting is the most exhausting, fulfilling, demanding and satisfying role, responsibility and full–time job anyone can ever have. Whoever has become a parent would testify to its heady highs and, sadly, sometimes mortifying lows. The moment one sets eyes and holds in one’s arms a new life – a gift from Allah that is sent so miraculously, after months of waiting and anticipation – one changes forever. The joy one feels has no bounds. This new ‘baby’ life gives rise to new adjustments in all existing relationships, which change in order to accommodate the new arrival. As many people will tell you, they also change once they have a baby.

However, after a few years pass, there are some typical statements that parents of any age can be heard making: “Kids nowadays are so ungrateful…,” “In our time, we were much more disciplined and obedient…,” “We never shouted at our parents the way kids answer us back nowadays….,” and so on. I have hardly come across a parent who openly admits to having made a parenting mistake, e.g. saying something like, “Had I not been lax about my daily prayers when my children were young, perhaps they too, would be more regular in their prayers today,” or “I should not have scolded my daughter in front of her friends. I think she deserves an apology.”

The Islamic Wife In The Light Of Holy Qur’an And Ahadees

The Holy Prophet (S.A.W.) said, “A thankful tongue, a soft-hearted wife is a friend of yours in religion.” These are the qualities that Islam desires in a woman who shall nurture the future generations of mankind towards an Islamic society.

Sociologists all over the world are laying more and more stress on the importance of family life, as opposed to what goes on in the West, where 5 out of 10 marriages end in divorce, where 60% of divorced women are prone to suicide, and almost every separated family has a history of a delinquent child.

As a maintainer of woman, the man has been deemed responsible for managing the day-to-day affairs outside the house, striving to earn, a livelihood. Woman has been given complete charge of the house, responsible for rearing the children and managing the home. This division of management is not in any way derogatory to the honor of woman; she is not the man’s slave, but his equal. In all its wisdom, Islam has allotted different sets of duties to men and women because of their different physical and mental attributes. Man is physically better suited to rough it out in the harsh world, and, due to her physical and emotional make up, woman is more suitable to manage the house.

A woman is more self-sufficient in household affairs and better shoulders the responsibility of rearing the children. This arrangement guarantees the continuation and the formation of a society complementing religion. This is a great trial and test for man and woman. Very rarely do we find a family like that of Imam Ali (A.S.), which contains a Fatima Zahra (S.A.), Hassan (A.S.), Hussain (A.S.), Zainab (S.A.) and Kulsum (S.A.).

The Holy Qur’an states: “They (wives) are an apparel for you, and you are an apparel for them.” (2:187)

What the Qur’an is stating is clear – besides covering the body, apparel protects the body from the vagaries of nature, enhancing one’s personal beauty. Man and wife should complement each other, and as Imam Ali (A.S.) has said, “Like a dress, a worthy wife will conceal one’s fault.”

Parent’s Duties Toward Children

Islam teaches that parents should consider children as a bounty of Allah and not as a burden due to financial hardships, physical illnesses or any other reason. It says that parents should celebrate the birth of a child, be it a girl or a boy, with expression of joy and exchange of greetings, and welcome it with thanks to Allah and prayers for His Grace and Blessings.

Allah says in the Holy Qur’an: “And kill not your children for fear of poverty. We shall provide for them as well as for you. Surely, the killing of them is a great sin.” (17: 31)

Islam has laid down certain duties on parents vis-a-vis children, which begin with their birth and end with their marriage. It has also made the father responsible for the provision of food, clothing and shelter of his children and their mother.

The first thing that a father is supposed to do after the birth of a child is to say Adhaan and Iqamah (calls to prayer) into the ears of the newborn. According to a Tradition, Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said the Adhaan in one ear and Iqamah in the other ear of his grandson Husain.

The primary claim of a child on his parents is that his ears, and through his ears, his head and heart are made acquainted with the name of Almighty Allah and His Oneness and with the Call of Faith and Prayer. As the child begins to receive the impression of what it sees or hears from the time of its birth, this practice imparts the knowledge of spirit and the fundamental practices of Islam in a most effective manner. The Noble Prophet (peace be upon him) said that on account of this practice, the child also remains safe from epilepsy.

Children Needs Kind Treatment

Children were always certain of kind treatment by the Prophet (peace be upon him). Whenever he saw a child, he received him/her with a smile and said some pleasant words, even when the Prophet was preoccupied with something very serious. Anas ibn Malik, who served the Prophet throughout his 10-year stay in Madinah, said: “I never saw anyone who was more kind to children than God’s Messenger.” (Related by Muslim.) He did not differentiate between boys and girls; he was very kind to all, teaching his companions that kindness to children must be an essential characteristic of every Muslim. We should put this in its proper perspective; his was a society characterized by its rough attitude in all situations, and particularly harsh in its treatment of girls and women. Some Bedouins visiting Madinah saw him kissing one of his grandchildren. One of them asked: “Do you kiss your young ones; by God we never do that.” The Prophet said: “What can I do for you if God has removed compassion from your heart?” This was a pointed answer, telling those rough people that their attitude was wrong and it should better be changed. Compassion is a virtue that we should nurture, and its primary aspect is to be kind to young children.

Whenever the Prophet returned to Madinah after being away on an expedition or travel, he was met by children who went out to give him a welcome. Abdullah ibn Jaafar, whose father was a cousin of the Prophet, said that on one such occasion, he was the first taken to the Prophet: “He took me up and placed me in front of him as he was on his mount. Then one of Fatimah’s two sons was brought to him and he placed him behind him. Thus all three of us entered Madinah on one mount.” (Related by Muslim.)

The Prophet was leading the Muslim army on its way to Khaybar when he passed by the living quarters of the Ghifar tribe. He noticed a girl who was walking fast alongside the army. Realizing that she wanted to give any help to the soldiers, the Prophet took her behind him on his mount. When they stopped for rest and he dismounted, he noticed that she looked very shy. He realized that she has just had her period. It was her first time, so he taught her how to clean herself and her clothes. She stayed with the army until after the battle. The Prophet gave her a necklace from the booty. She wore that necklace without ever taking it off. She grew up to achieve fame and was to be known as Layla Al-Ghifariyyah.

Whenever a child was with the Prophet, he would teach that child something simple, short and very effective. Abdullah ibn Abbas was a young boy when he once rode behind the Prophet on his mount. The Prophet said that he wanted to teach him some very useful words. These were: “Be careful with what God has given you, and He will take care of you. Remain within the limits God has set and you will always find Him before you. Get to know God in times of ease, and He will know you in times of hardship. Learn that what you have missed would have never been yours, and what you have got you would have never missed. Learn also that victory is assured with perseverance, a way out is certain to come after a time of stress, and that hardship is followed by ease.” (Related by Al-Bukahri.)

When we consider these words we realize that they were simple enough to be understood by a 10-year old, yet they can be fundamental in shaping a young man’s attitude to life in general. A young child can easily learn the Prophet’s words by heart, yet they will be of benefit to him throughout his life. Not only so, but the child in this case reported these words so that we can all learn them and bring our attitude to life events in line with them. Yet the Prophet’s teaching of children could be much simpler. Abdullah ibn Busr Al-Mazini reported that when he was a young child, his mother sent him with a bunch of grapes to give to the Prophet. On the way, he ate some grapes. “When I gave it to the Prophet, he held my ear and said: ‘You little cheat!'” Thus the lesson of delivering something intact was given to the young child in a very gentle way.

His companions realized that whatever prayer the Prophet said, God would answer in the broadest and fullest way. Therefore, when children were born, they were often brought to the Prophet to bless them. He would welcome them and do more than their parents hoped for. The whole Muslim community were delighted when Asma’ bint Abu Bakr gave birth to her son, Abdullah, the first child to be born to the Muslim community in Madinah after the Prophet and the Makkan Muslims migrated there. “She took her newborn to the Prophet. He took the child, put him on his lap, took a date and rubbed the child’s jaws with it before praying for him and blessing him.” (Related by Al-Bukhari and Muslim.)

In some societies, particularly the Arabian society at the time, when adults met, children were told to keep away. The Prophet’s attitude was different; he welcomed children and attended to them. His companions in Madinah were farmers. They often brought him the early ripe fruit, hoping for a prayer of blessing. “Whenever he was brought such fruit, he would pray: ‘Our Lord, bless our city, our fruit and measures, and make each blessing goes with another.’ He would then give the fruit to the youngest child present.” (Related by Muslim and Al-Tirmidhi). On one occasion he was talking to a group of adults and dates were served to them, when some children came in. He took a bunch of dates and gave it to the children. This was in total contrast to what any Arab host would have done. Had his children come in when he was entertaining guests, an Arab would have told them off and ordered them out.

In all this the Prophet set an example, not only for people in his generation, but for all future generations. Hence, you find that Muslim parents are always likely to take good care of their children, and to be compassionate to all young people. This ensures that family relations remain strong and families remain closely knit. This is a great blessing that has yielded great benefits to Muslim families in all societies, across countless generations.

Raising Children In Islam

Islam believes that the family is the cornerstone of the Muslin society and the cause of its continuity. This is why Islam has shown so much concern to preserve the solidarity of the family unit. Raising children properly is one of the reasons that help to create a sound society based on ethics and decorum. This task has become very hard in the last three or four decades after children became addicted to watching T.V, video games and finally the internet that swallows children’s time and captures their attention. Parent’s role is to attract their children’s attention to teach them good manners.

One of the mistakes that some parents commit is that they deal with their children as stupid beings that should be spoon-fed or filled with information. They are intelligent beings and parents have to appreciated and respect this fact in order to be able to approach them correctly.

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) stresses in more than one Hadith the importance of the role of parents in bringing up their children properly. He asks parents to pay attention to the age of their children when deciding to choose the best way to deal with them: at a certain age it is important to be strict with them, but when they become teenagers, it is of prime importance to befriend them to be able to approach their world.

Some parents believe that toughness is the best way to raise their children which is totally wrong. Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) used to share the fun and light moments with his grandchildren making them enjoy their time with him.

The final advice that can be given in this respect is a Qur’anic one,” Let those (disposing of an estate) have the same fear in their minds as they would have for their own if they had left a helpless family behind: Let them fear Allah, and speak words of appropriate (comfort).” (Qur’an, 4:9)

One important fact that has to be stressed in this respect is that the father’s role is as important as that of the mother because some parents believe that their role consists of earning money and providing the basic necessities of life to their family.

They believe that it is the mother’s business to raise children, but this is not true at all. Islam addresses both parents as being responsible for bringing up their children and teaching them the noble values of Islam.

Prophet Muhammad : Exemplary Care For Little Children

The treatment of the Prophet (peace be upon him) of little children set an example.
He was very caring. In a society which allowed daughters to be buried alive by their parents, for fear of poverty, and which saw nothing wrong with abducting young children to sell them as slaves, the Prophet’s kind treatment of young girls and boys seemed to come from a different world altogether.

It is well documented that the Prophet carried Umamah, his granddaughter, when he was leading the congregational prayer. When he prostrated himself, putting his forehead on the floor, as we are required to do in prayer, he would put her next to him on the floor. Then when he stood up for the next rak’ah, he lifted her and carried her. His action represented a great departure from how his Arabian society used to treat young children. A visitor to Madinah saw him kissing his grandson. He was amazed at his action.

He said: “Do you kiss a child? I have 10 children, and I never kissed one of them.”

The Prophet said to him: “How can I help it if God has removed mercy from your heart?”

His answer pinpoints a very subtle aspect of human nature. It did not refer to the natural love a father feels toward his own children. It directs the man’s attention to the quality of mercy, which expresses itself first and foremost in the treatment of children.

The Prophet was the head of a small state that was besieged by enemies, some of whom were very close to Madinah. The Jewish tribes were only a few kilometers away, and they collaborated with a number of hypocrites who lived in Madinah, pretended to be Muslim but were keen to undermine Islam in every possible way.

The Quraysh, the most powerful Arabian tribe, which had forced him and his companions to emigrate from Makkah, were attempting to crush the new Muslim state in Madinah. Yet despite all the pressures this placed on him, in addition to the heavy task of delivering God’s message and molding the new Muslim community according to Islamic principles, the Prophet found time to play with his grandchildren and ensure that they were happy. He would go to Fatimah, his youngest daughter, and take one or both her sons to play with.

One day the Prophet was leading the congregational prayer in the mosque in Madinah when he prostrated himself for a very long while. His companions praying with him felt that the sujud, or prostration, was unduly long. As they could not lift their heads to find out, they worried that something wrong might have happened to the Prophet.

However, the Prophet then lifted his head and said Allah-u- Akbar, to indicate the next movement. When the prayer was over they asked him why the prostration was too long. They said that they were worried lest something might have happened to him. He said: “There was nothing wrong. It was only that my son was on my back and I did not wish to disturb him.”

Let us look carefully at this and think how the Prophet did not wish to disturb a young child who sat on his back. The child must have been no more than three or four years old and the Prophet would allow him to detain the whole congregation in a particular position until the child decided to come down. That tells us much.

Clashes Among Family Members

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) says: “The Muslim man after Islam, didn’t achieve any extra advantage over his wife; a wife who when her husband looks upon her feels cheerful, follows her husband’s instructions and in his absence, protects her chastity and her husband’s property.” The family has always been one of the most valuable institutions of the society. In the foundation of social life, the family has been the focal point, putting aside the responsibilities related to the giving birth to and rearing of children which results in the continuation and perpetuity of mankind. Other responsibilities for example, the training and endorsing of societal awareness of an individual are also included. Family is a time-tested system which gives the individual a sense of belonging and being. This family system belongs to that group of systems, which have remained existent throughout history, and there are two main reasons for this:

1) The family environment secures the basic needs of a society and shoulders the responsibility of making individuals socially aware

2) The family is a strong and influential center, which brings about the feeling of closeness and emotional support in individuals. The family is also a medium, which plays an important role in the transfer of values, customs, and cultural heritage of the society.

Family disorders have many aspects, which may eventually lead to separation or divorce. One of the basic reasons for divorce is unwarranted expectations, which the two parties have of one another. These expectations are related to the status of the two parties ( i.e. husband and wife) in the society, sexual relations, physical health, financial security and the role that both the man and woman plays in the marriage.

At the same time, it should be mentioned here that the above expectations may be very influential in the strengthening of the family foundation. For example, in the present society, it can be seen that before marriage the couple believes that as long as their love for one another doesn’t decrease, nothing can break the bond that exists between them. But after the marriage, they quickly come to the realization that the love that was abundant in their marriage, has lost some of its luster, or disappeared completely and in order to solve their family problems, they are forced to use more practical methods.

In the same way, children whose parents are not happy in their marriages but remain living together, become affected by the family disputes, which are a result of the relationship of the parents

Spreading Love And Kindness In The Home

Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: ‘When Allah wills some good towards the people of a household, He introduces kindness among them.’” (Musnad Ahmad, 6/71; Sahih Al-Jami’, 303)

According to another report: “When Allah loves the people of a household, He introduces kindness among them.” (Ibn Abi Al-Dunya and others; Sahih al-Jami’, no. 1704)

In other words, they start to be kind to one another. This is one of the means of attaining happiness in the home, for kindness is very beneficial between the spouses, and with the children, and brings results that cannot be achieved through harshness, as the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “Allah loves kindness and rewards it in such a way that He does not reward for harshness or for anything else.” (Sahih Muslim, no. 2592)

Many men think that housework is beneath them, and some of them think that it will undermine their status and position if they help their wives with this work.

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him), however, used to “sew his own clothes, mend his own shoes and do whatever other work men do in their homes.” (Musnad Ahmad, 6/121; Sahih Al-Jami’, 4927)

This was narrated by his wife Ayesha (may Allah be pleased with her), when she was asked about what the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) used to do in his house; her response described what she herself had seen. According to another report, she said: “He was like any other human being: he would clean his clothes, milk his ewe and serve himself.” (Musnad Ahmad, 6/256; Al-Silsilat Al-Sahihah, no. 671)

She was also asked about what the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) used to do in his house, and she said, “He used to serve his family, then when the time for prayer came, he would go out to pray.” (Al-Bukhari)

If we were to do likewise nowadays, we would achieve three things: We would be following the example of the Prophet (peace be upon him); we would be helping our wives; we would feel more humble, not arrogant.

Some men demand food instantly from their wives, when the pot is on the stove and the baby is screaming to be fed; they do not pick up the child or wait a little while for the food. Let these Hadith be a reminder and a lesson.

Being affectionate towards and joking with the members of the family is a praiseworthy trait. Showing affection towards one’s wife and children is one of the things that leads to creating an atmosphere of happiness and friendliness in the home.

The ways in which the Prophet (peace be upon him) showed affection towards young children are too well-known to need mentioning. He often used to show his affection towards his grandchildren – Hasan and Hussain (may Allah be pleased with them). This is probably one of the reasons why the children used to rejoice when he would come back from traveling; they would rush to welcome him, as reported in a Sahih Hadith: “Whenever he came back from a journey, the children of his household would be taken out to meet him.”

 

Spending On One’s Family Comes First

 

Spending on the family is highly recommended. Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) said: “Of the c you spend in the way of Allah, the dinar you spend for the freedom of slave, the dinar you give away in charity to the poor, and the dinar you spend on your wife and children, the highest in respect of reward is the one you spend on your family.” (Sahih Muslim)

Mother of the believers, Umm Salamah (may Allah be pleased with her) once asked the Prophet (peace be upon him), “Shall I get a reward if I spend on the children (from my first husband Abu Salamah)? They cannot be left uncared for, running about here and there (in search of a living). They are after all are my children. He answered: “Yes, you will have reward for whatever you spend on them.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

Ibn Mas’ud Al-Badri relates that the Prophet (peace be upon him) said; When a person spends on his family, hoping for reward, the same is counted as charity on his part. (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

The Prophet (peace be upon him) also said: “It is indeed a sin for a person to hold back the sustenance of one who is dependent depend on him.” (Sahih Muslim)

Abu Hurairah relates that Prophet Mohammed (peace be upon him) said, “Everyday, two angels descend, one of them saying; Allah, bestow a (good) return upon the spender: and the other saying: Allah, Destroy the goods of the miser.” (Al-Bukhari and Muslim)

In another Hadith, the Prophet (peace be upon him) said: “The upper hand (the giver) is better than the lower hand (the receiver) and start (your generosity) with your dependents; and the best kind of charity is from your surplus; and one who wants to become virtuous, Allah will make him so, and one who desires abundance will be given so by Allah. (Al-Bukhari)