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The Negative C’s Of Islamic Parenting

One of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face is being a parent. This is one challenge, however, many of us are least prepared for. Allah tells us in the Quran that our children are our trial, and as such, we should take the task of parenting seriously and start learning from each other.

There are many negative C’s, which should also be identified so that we can avoid them or at least be aware of them.

Competition: In an authentic Hadith, the Prophet Muhammad said: “Look up to one who is greater in piety so you strive to be like him and look upon one who is below you in material status so that you may be thankful to Allah’s Grace”. As a Muslim community, we are experiencing the opposite. We are literally killing ourselves to gain bigger and better material goods than others and passing this same competitive spirit to our children. If Br. X’s son is going to Yale, my son must go to Harvard; otherwise, he is a failure, no matter how good a Mumin (believer) he is in comparison to Br. X’s son. We are inadvertently putting so much pressure on our children to compete in Dunya (this world) that we are actually hurting their self-esteem and pushing them away. Remember, if children don’t find acceptance of who they are and what they are capable of at home, they will find it elsewhere.

Gains Pleasure Of Allah By The Anger Of People

You Cannot Please Everyone. A man said to al-Hasan al-Basree (rahimahullaah): ‘The people sit around you so that they may find fault with you!’ So he said, ‘Indeed, I encouraged my soul to aspire for Paradise so it aspired for it. Then I encouraged it to aspire for salvation from Hellfire and so it aspired for it. Then I encouraged it to aspire for salvation from the people, but I didn’t find a way to do that. Indeed the people were not pleased with their Creator although He provides for them, so how can they be pleased with another creation like themselves?’ [1].

Prophet Moosaa (’alayhis salaam) said:- ‘O my Lord, the people say things about me which are not (i.e. not true)! So Allah`(azza wa jall!’) revealed to him:- ‘O Moosaa, I did not make that (privilege) for Myself, so how can I make it the case for you?’ [2]

Maalik bin Dinaar:- ‘Since I have known the reality of people, I have not taken delight in their praise nor have I hated their criticism.’ It was said to him, ‘Why is that?’
He said, ‘The one who praises from amongst them is excessive and the critic from amongst them exaggerates! ” [3]

‘Aisha (radiyallaahu `anha) wrote to Mu’aawiyah (radiyallaahu` anhu): ‘Salamun ‘alayk. Amma ba’d. I have heard the Messenger of Allah (sallallaahu `alayhi wa sallam) say:- ‘Whoever gains the Pleasure of Allah by the anger of the people (i.e. thereby gains their anger)

Allah suffices him of the people’s troubles. ‘ And whoever gains the pleasure of the people by the Anger of Allah (i.e. in the process he gains His Anger), then Allah leaves him to the people.’ Wa-Salaamu ‘alayk.’ [4]

Imam ash-Shaafi’ee: ‘There is nobody except that he has someone who loves him and someone who hates him. So if that’s the case, let a person be with the people who are obedient to Allah `azza wa jall!’ ( – as they love and hate for the Sake of Allah and they are not unjust) [5]

References:-
[1] Al-Bidayah wal-Nihayah (9/318 )
[2] Al-Adaab al-Shar’iyyah by Ibn Muflih (1/38 )
[3] Tarikh Dimishq (59/307)
[4] Reported by al-Tirmidhi in Kitab al-Zuhd (no. 2414), declared Saheeh by al-Albaanee
[5] Hilyat al-Awliyah (9/124)

 

How To Deal With Bitter Criticism

THE ignorant have even uttered curses against Allah, the Exalted, so what treatment should we, who are full of faults, expect from people. You will always have to face criticism, which in its onslaught is like an interminable war – that shows no sign of ending.

As long as you shine, give, produce, and have an effect upon others, then disapproval and condemnation will be your lot in life. Until you escape from people by finding a tunnel in the ground or a ladder leading to the sky, they will not desist from censuring you, from finding fault in your character. For that reason, as long as you are from the denizens of earth, expect to be hurt, to be insulted, and to be criticized.

And here is something you should contemplate: A person who is sitting on the ground does not fall, and people do not kick a dead dog. Therefore their anger toward you can be attributed to you surpassing them in righteousness, knowledge, manners, or wealth. In their eyes you are a transgressor whose wrongs cannot be atoned for unless you shed your talents and strip yourself of all praiseworthy qualities, so that you become stupid, worthless, and to them, innocuous. This is exactly what they want to look for in you.

So remain firm and patient when facing their insults and criticism. If you are wounded by their words and let them have an influence over you, you will have realized their expectations from them. Instead, forgive them by showing them the most beautiful of manners. Turn away from them and do not feel distressed by their schemes. Their disapproval of you only increases your worth and merit.

Verily, you will not be able to silence them, but you will be able to overcome their criticisms by turning away from them and dismissing what they have to say. In fact, you will be able to increase them in their rage by adding to your merits and developing your talents.

If you desire to be accepted by all and loved by all, you desire the unattainable.

– Excerpt from the book “Don’t be Sad” published by IIPH

Do You Pray More When Other People Are Watching You?

Ar-Riyaa: The Hidden Shirk
Abu Saeed reported that the Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) came to us while we were discussing Dajjal and said,
“Should I not inform you of that which I fear for you even more than the dangers of Dajjal? It is the hidden Shirk (Riya); A person stands to pray, and he beautifies his prayer because he sees the people looking at him.” (Sunan Ibn Majah vol. 2, #3389)

Riyaa is to perform acts that are pleasing to Allah with the intention of pleasing other than Allah.

The primary cause of Riya is a weakness in Iman (Faith).

When a person does not have strong faith in Allah, he will prefer the admiration of people over the pleasure of Allah.

There are three symptoms that are indicative of Riya, and it is essential that a believer avoid all of them.

1. The Love of Praise 
As mentioned in a hadeeth of the first three people being thrown into the hellfire; the scholar (who taught for fame), the martyr (who fought for fame), and the person who gave his money in charity (so people would say he is generous).

All three of these people desired the pleasure of people over the pleasure of Allah. The person who desires the praise of people must feel some pride in himself, for he feels himself worthy of being praised. There is a danger, therefore, of him becoming arrogant and boastful.

 2. Fear Of Criticism 
No one likes to be criticized.

The dislike of criticism regarding religious practices may be divided into two categories:

The first category is that of a person who neglects a commandment of Allah in order to avoid the criticism of his peers.

The second category is that of a person who obeys certain commandments of Islam, not for the sake of Allah, but because he fears people will look down on him and criticize him if he does not do it.

For example, a man may make his formal prayers in the mosque because he does not want people to criticize him for praying at home, or to think that he is not praying at all.

3. Greed for Peoples Possessions 
If a person covets what other people possess, whether it is rank, money, or power, then he will wish them to envy him similarly.

For example, if he is jealous of a position of a certain person in society, he will try by every possible means to attain the same position. Such desires lead people to spend their lives putting on a show for other people so that they will admire their rank, money, or power.

Ways to avoid Riyaa
1. Increasing knowledge of Islam
2. Dua (Supplication)
The Prophet (PBUH) taught the specific dua for riyaa:
“O Allah, we seek refuge in you from committing shirk knowingly, and ask your forgiveness for (the shirk that we may commit unknowingly) “.
3. Reflecting upon Heaven and Hell
4. Hiding ones good deeds
5. Reflection upon oneself shortcomings
6. Accompanying the pious
7. Knowledge of Riyaa

Praising A Deceased Person

Anas ibn Malik reports that the Prophet (peace be upon him) was sitting with a number of his companions when a funeral passed by. Those who were with him praised the dead person, and the Prophet said: “He has secured it.” Sometime later another funeral passed by and the same companions spoke negatively of the deceased. The Prophet said: “He has secured it.” Umar asked the Prophet: “What is it that was secured?” The Prophet said: “You praised the first one and he secured heaven, while you spoke negatively of the second and he secured his position in hell. You are God’s witnesses on earth.” (Related by Al-Bukhari).

Other reports of this incident clarify that the Prophet and a few of his companions were together when the two funerals passed by. In each case, the Prophet asked who the deceased was. They named the first person and said that he was a man who loved God and the Prophet and was keen to obey God’s orders and steer away from sin. They added that he was a very good and pious person with no doubt about the strength of his faith. When the second funeral went through and they named the deceased, they added that he was a man of bad manners, abusive, and negligent of his religious duties. Commenting on both cases, the Prophet used the same words, “He has secured it.”

The Prophet’s companions were amazed at this. Hence they asked what was secured by both persons. The Prophet told them that the one who received their unqualified praises secured heaven, while the others of whom they were very critical secured hell. Scholars give various explanations of this Hadith, with some of them saying that it is limited to the Prophet’s companions who were all very pious and would not praise or criticize anyone unless they were certain that he well deserved their praise or criticism. The majority of scholars, however, maintain that this Hadith has universal application. When several people, who are known to be pious and truthful, testify that a deceased person was good in character and behavior, God-fearing and kind to other people, God accepts their testimony, forgives that person his sins, and admits him to heaven.

What this means is that the person concerned tried throughout the best part of his life to implement Islamic teachings and values. When a person does that, his behavior is certain to be reflected on others who deal with him. It will be known to many people. They are bound to praise him when they learn of his death. They are considered God’s witnesses. He accepts what they say and deals with the deceased accordingly. The reverse is also true. Normally people tend to overlook a person’s misdeeds when he has died, preferring not to mention them. If, nevertheless, several people point out that the deceased was of bad character, ill-behaved, and defiant of God’s commandments, God accepts their testimony.

This Hadith encourages us to be good to others in whatever way we can. It tells us that observing Islamic teachings in all our dealings with other people will secure our admittance to heaven because such people will say what they know of our good character when we die. Their praise will be accepted by God as sound testimony and his ruling on our destiny will be based on that. This is what the Prophet’s words mean: “You are God’s witnesses on earth.” ‘You’ in this statement refers to all people.
-By Adil Salahi