The Negative C’s Of Islamic Parenting
One of the greatest challenges a Muslim will ever face is being a parent. This is one challenge, however, many of us are least prepared for. Allah tells us in the Quran that our children are our trial, and as such, we should take the task of parenting seriously and start learning from each other.
There are many negative C’s, which should also be identified so that we can avoid them or at least be aware of them.
Competition: In an authentic Hadith, the Prophet Muhammad said: “Look up to one who is greater in piety so you strive to be like him and look upon one who is below you in material status so that you may be thankful to Allah’s Grace”. As a Muslim community, we are experiencing the opposite. We are literally killing ourselves to gain bigger and better material goods than others and passing this same competitive spirit to our children. If Br. X’s son is going to Yale, my son must go to Harvard; otherwise, he is a failure, no matter how good a Mumin (believer) he is in comparison to Br. X’s son. We are inadvertently putting so much pressure on our children to compete in Dunya (this world) that we are actually hurting their self-esteem and pushing them away. Remember, if children don’t find acceptance of who they are and what they are capable of at home, they will find it elsewhere.
Comparison: Comparison is an outcome of negative competition; it is cruel and breeds resentment and anger. Many parents compare their children to others and get into the habit of complaining. Grass always seems greener
in the neighbor’s yard, but closer inspection may reveal the opposite. None of us is perfect, and therefore, we should stop looking for perfection in others.
Control: The negative aspect of control shows in the form of a controlling personality, e.g., I am the boss, so you do as I tell you. In extreme cases, this need to control leads to abuse and neglect. Anger is also a tool of control for a control freak. In most cases, it is the father. However, mothers also exhibit this trait.
Criticism: Constant, destructive criticism is a sign of dysfunctional parenting. Continuous put-downs and verbal clashing destroy the tranquil atmosphere at home. The self-esteem of the recipients of this criticism is extremely low, developing in them a victim mentality. They will either seek abusive relationships or turn their backs on their families. Many runaways come from such a family background.
Corruption: “If the truth were to follow their whims, the heaven and earth and all their inhabitants would be corrupt” (Quran part of 23:71). Weak Nafs and diseases of the heart lead to poor character, which, of course, is the result of grudging submission and conditional faith. When we corrupt our Deen (religion) by picking and choosing what we want, practicing what suits us best, and resisting and outright opposing what does not suit our fancy, we pay an enormous price by losing ourselves to the Dunya, and driving our children away from Islam.
Confusion: Parents are confused about their identity and their values. They have not been able to develop a structure of right and wrong based on the Quran and Hadith, and as such, when it comes to implementation, they give conflicting signals to their children. We must, as parents, develop an Islamic frame of reference, which would serve to develop a Muslim conscience in our children and a basis for judgment. Sifting through our cultural baggage and increasing our knowledge can only achieve this.
Contempt: Contempt for others is a result of pride, arrogance, and conceit. We must discourage arrogance in children and be constantly vigilant about it, as many Muslim youths are falling prey to this trait and developing contempt towards their parents. It is one thing to praise and quite another to set them up on a pedestal. We should always remember “knowledge is proud, it knows so much — wisdom is humble, it knows no more”.
Consumerism: Consumption, a vice of this society, is creeping into Muslim communities. When wants to become needs, and parents start compensating for their lack of time spent with their children with material gifts, we are perpetuating consumerism — anything can be bought. This, however, is not true. So many young people I counsel
always say, “I could do without this new computer if only my parents would spend more time with me”.The legacy of materialism survives generations, since it caters to our baser selves. Please watch out for it.
Contradiction: When there is a contradiction in word and deed, it is called hypocrisy. Children are very sensitive to this vice and can pick a hypocrite a mile away. When we behave holier than thou in the Masjid, but present a different side in other settings, we are giving our children the message that it is okay to be a hypocrite.
Carelessness: As Prophet Muhammad reminded us in his last sermon, “Shaytan cannot mislead us in major issues of Faith but in minor issues”. This is where our carelessness and lack of diligence can lead to weak character.
Colonization: This is a mindset that many immigrant parents have passed down to their children — a sense of inferiority, a complex, as such. That European and Western cultures are superior and better than those of their country of origin. This is a mentality that encourages imitation, following, and serving rather than leadership.
By Shahina